Last night as I was lying in my best friend's bed praying my first decade of my rosary I just began crying uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. With each Hail Mary my tears came faster and the sobs racked my body harder. I felt tormented. My heart ached, my soul longed to be comforted and my headache pounded into my ears. I was filled with a rage. That rage that keeps filling me and I don't know what to do with. But I just kept praying. I had nothing left so I just kept praying.
The nights sleeping in Erin's bed without her fill me with these awful thoughts. I've been having nightmares. My mind is playing tricks on me. Mocking me and my sentiments. Exploiting my fears. Feeding on my pain. I don't appreciate it.
I'm pushing my boyfriend away and he doesn't understand. He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't know what he's done. Has he hurt me? Yes, he has. But my rational is not rational. I'm simply retreating. Protecting myself. Getting overly defensive. I can't explain it.
I'm changing every second. It's taking over. It. Perhaps we should name them. How much time do I have until I'm not even the tiniest bit me. I feel it. I feel...
I'm so alone. I don't know who to turn to. It isn't fair. I feel blocked. Can't say this, can't say that.
Marisa I'm sorry. I've failed in so many ways and I have no control over anything. I'm so sorry.
I'm nothing but this cancer. I'm more than my cancer. I'm nothing but this cancer. I'm more. So much more. I'm nothing. I'm more. I'm nothing. I'm more. I'm...
...so unbelievably lost.
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