Viewer Discretion Advised

For the past 10 days I've just been brewing. You get news that you're cancer free and you think you'd be rejoicing. Floating on air. Yet only bits of happiness reached my heart. I was more shocked than anything else. Weary. Unsure. Then in a few days after, the bitterness flooded. The realization that I went through all of this in a way that I shouldn't have. The realization that I simply just went through it. I hit a point that my "fight" left me because I didn't need to fight any more. I won. Then my already broken mental state went from really bad to disastrous and like usual no one was there to catch me or even see me fall.

I don't really blame anyone, oh but I blame everyone. It isn't fair to, but no one was fair to me. Who does that?!? Who leaves a person like me alone? Every day? Who allows them to be swallowed by pain? By every kind of suffering imaginable? Who allows them to deteriorate every passing moment? Oh, but you didn't see it all, did you? Of course not. Because no one was there!!!!!!!!! Just me. I live with my self. Out of sight, out of mind. No one can handle it. No one knows how to deal with death. No one can even handle freaking life. What kind of friends do I have? What defines friends? People who come throw me a party because I'm better now? Oh hey now you want to hang out. Yeah, let's drink. Oh Stephanie you're so much fun. Well screw that. I needed you when I was dying.

I'm still not being fair. There were moments when people stopped on by. Far and in between but there were moments. Though there was that message. Sent from my best friend who couldn't handle me, even when she wasn't here much herself.

How many nights were spent just in my room crying? How many dinners did I eat alone? How many weekends did I spend all by myself? How many seizures did I have with no one around? How many times did I fall and no one was around and I had bruises on my already battered body? How many noises attacks did I have and I had no one there to calm me down after? How many screams went unanswered? Too fucking many.

And now? I'm still invisible. Yesterday was my biggest proof.

I don't know what to do with what I feel. I just want to disappear. Last night I asked Michael to run away with me. I have nothing virtually but this apartment that at the moment I can't even pay. But he wouldn't give me the answer I was looking for.

I hate that as I stood at my window staring out at my porch looking at the empty Corona bottle and a knife I wanted both of them. Not the Corona to drink, but the glass. I wanted to break it and I had to use every ounce of my will power to restrain myself. I want to be destructive.

I'm angry at God right now and it's such bad timing as Holy week approaches. I'm so angry. I can't believe He did this. I feel betrayed. I can't believe she's doing this.

I just want everything to be over.

I need to leave. Probably forever.