There is this knot that is perpetually in my stomach. It's more of a matter of how tightly it's being pulled that varies each day. For about a year and a half I've been walking around in haze, not really certain if I'm seeing everything in front of me clearly. For about 9 months I've been breathing in barely enough air. My heart lives outside my body and not in the poetic motherly sense. It was ripped out and placed there.
Forgiveness is a hard thing to do. But often I wonder if my perspective on it is misguided. Countless times I've been burned, and have risen amongst the ashes, accepting apologies and doing my best to move on. Yet all that pain lives inside me. I'm crippled by my incapacity to forget the past. It is not without effort that I fail. My memories and attached emotions are just far stronger than my will. I'd give anything to just "forgive and forget". Anything.
Time heals all wounds. What if that's a lie our world has bought into? What if we're just desperate to live pain free and we manage to convince ourselves that after an unknown amount of days passing things just somehow get better? What if the truth is wounds never heal? They just scab over and fade into scars that are forever etched into your very being. Reminders are everywhere.
Maybe I'm just crazy.
What I do know is I'm not in hell, but this isn't heaven either.
I'm just stuck.
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