So it's been a while. Mostly over the fact that I have no computer and I refuse to blog from my phone and partly because I have too much to say and undoubtedly not enough people to listen. Sometimes my biggest desire is to literally fall off the face of the earth and see how long it takes for someone to notice. But as alone in so many ways as I feel, I'm also filled with this unmatchable joy. My daughter squirms inside of me of what feels like the entire day, and although uncomfortable, she makes everything less empty. I am positive no one knows what love is until they know the love of being a parent. No, she isn't out and about and I can't hold her in my arms yet, but I'm her mother. She's my little girl.

So much is going on in my life and yet, nothing is. I watch days slip by me and feel the drain of non-productivity. I don't like the feeling of wasting away.

I need that passion back. That driving sense of purpose that saved my life more than once.

The world just keeps spinning.

Root of it All

Depression is a funny thing. Last night Michael told me he didn't get it. He didn't understand why I could be so sad and really, for so many years. His reasoning? He got over his depression, why couldn't I get over mine. That sort of comparative thinking drives me crazy. But this is the world we live in.

I am not clueless to why I'm oh so blue. Even on days when being sad doesn't make sense I know deep down why I am. Relatively I've been depressed since I was 7 years old. That's 16 years man. It got worse when I was 12 but that's just because hormones kicked in and really, they aren't helpful with much. But seriously, every single moment of despair I have felt has been linked to a single cause. Drum roll please?

I'm lonely. That's it. Simple as that. From being teased endlessly, to moving too much at the worst times, to being left behind and abandoned, to being an outcast, to dealing with cancer much on my own, to being let down by every single person that I've let in that resembled abandonment and betrayal. It's all the same thing. I'm so very lonely.

I'm so much better when I'm around people. Even if nothing on my exterior changes. That my friends is called a mask. A defense mechanism. A way for me to prepare for the inevitable fall out. But in reality, having company is all I need. Having interaction. Real interaction. A hand to touch, someone to hug, a voice I can actually hear. Why do you honestly think I have had a boyfriend since I was 15? Because I needed someone. I needed not to be alone. Even to the point where I put up with so much more than I deserve. I didn't want to be alone so I stuck around. It's not about love, really. It's about attachment. It's about my fear of it just being me and only me forever.

Now don't get me wrong. I didn't use my boyfriends or not love them. In fact I always fall way too deep and am overly committed. But really I know that my primary function in life has been to not be lonely. Youth ministry is something I thrive in for a few reasons. A lot of it has to do however with the group atmosphere. It is a ministry that is not singular. It has to be group-oriented and team focused. No one can be lonely for it to succeed. Same goes for sports and for the Church as a whole. These are the places I am at my greatest.

When I was 13 I wrote a simple poem. It's nothing spectacular but it's truth :

Loneliness

A cold fearful hand

 That grabs at your heart

 And pierces your soul;

Overwhelming you with emotions

 You can’t control

Being lonely kills people. It's not some mystery. We weren't meant to be alone. 

Mindless Chatter

I came to my parent's for the weekend because I desperately didn't want to be alone. Well my brother ignores me, my dad is sleeping, my mom is at the casino and my sister went out with her friends. I should have just stayed home. My bed is so much more comfortable.

I spent the last few hours cooped up in my sister's room re-reading Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was just sitting there on her desk and I had nothing better to do with my time. It's a great book, but I think it makes me think too much.

Before my sister left for the night I asked her if she was going out to party. She kind of just laughed at me and I replied on how I had no life and I came here for company and was getting none. My best friend is out living the college life, and Michael is out of town. Other than them, I have no one and that's the sad truth. Marisa tried to say I had other friends but I just shrugged her off. Please, someone tell me where all my "friends" are. Actually, tell me who they are.

Sometimes I wonder why I've never really had many friends. I'm a likable person and generally people like being around me. Yet nothing with me sticks. Or I guess, no one. Sometimes I think about mine and Erin's life and I panic thinking about how it's going to work. How it even does. I think for a long time I was okay being isolated, so to speak. Since I was 15 I've had a boyfriend and really, my life pretty much revolved around them. They made me not alone. Michael and I are so much different. I don't see him every day or talk to him every second. I'm not one person with him. We are two individuals in a relationship. Which honestly, is a lot healthier than anything I've ever been in, but at the same time, it's lonelier too.

I'm rambling. I ramble when I hurt. When I'm scared. When I'm feeling too many things and I don't have control on what I'm about to say, and certainly not what I'm about to think. There is this void in me that's inescapable, and really, only matters to me.

I keep thinking about the conversation I had last night. It angers me when I'm not one to get angry. I'm frustrated with all these misconceptions and no understanding. Of being stranded on an island of my emotions  and everyone sending life boats to the side of the shore I can't reach.

I often think about my role as a mother. Of how badly I don't want to fail. Of how someone who is as broken as me could have possibly created what I did. I'm terrified and not at the same time.

It's an uncomfortable thing for me to say that I need you. Especially knowing I can't count on you. I think that might be the worst of it. I can't turn to no one.

The first time I attempted suicide was because I felt like a failure and I couldn't handle it. The second time I was overwhelmed and didn't want to continue living and being so alone. Thoughts will always cross my mind, but it's comforting to know how really in control I am of my actions.

I have so much faith in me. Really. Even now.

All Too Well

I walked through the door with you
The air was cold, but something about it felt like home somehow and I
Left my scarf there at your sister's house
And you still got it in your drawer even now

Oh your sweet disposition
And my wide eyed gaze
We're singing in a car getting lost upstate
The Autumn leaves falling down like pieces in their place
And I can picture it after all these days
And I know it's long gone, and that magic´s not here no more
And it might be okay, but I'm not fine at all

Cause here we are again on that little town street
You almost ran the red cause you were looking over me
Wind in my hair I was there I remember it all too well

Photo album on my counter
Your cheeks were turning red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin size bed
And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the t-ball team
You tell me about your past thinking your future was me

And I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to

Cause here we are again in the middle of the night
We're dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs I was there I remember it all too well

And maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece
´til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there I remember it all too well

Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here
Cause I remember it all all all too well

Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it
I´d like to be my old self again
But I'm still trying to find it
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone
But your keep my old scarf from that very first week
Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me
You can't get rid of it, cause you remember it all too well yeah

Cause there we are again when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair you were there you remember it all
Down the stairs you were there you remember it all
It was rare, I was there I remember it all too well

Taylor Swift <3

Alexis Marie Gray

I had never known more love than in the moment I saw her. Ever since I knew I was pregnant my heart has swelled with complete love and devotion for the tiny baby forming within my womb. However seeing her for the first time last Tuesday took my breath away. It was the hardest thing to keep from getting completely hysterical as they showed me every tiny part of my daughter's body. Tears kept escaping my eyes and I felt myself shaking. Nothing could ever be possibly more perfect than my little girl.

I'm not going to lie though. I am beyond terrified of having a little girl. The world of dresses, make-up and hair is a foreign one to me. The color pink makes me slightly uncomfortable and raising a little girl to be a woman seems almost like an impossible challenge in a world of Cosmopolitan magazines, airbrushed models, and shorts that are just way too short. The insecurity that haunts my own life is something that I would never want to pass on. I want her to embrace the body she's in, no matter what, and to always know and feel beautiful. I want her to live fearlessly and love without restraint. I want her to not be afraid of making mistakes and realize that perfection is a state of mind and not an actual thing. I want her to laugh freely and dream without limitations.I want her to succeed as well as fail so that she may grow and know the beauty of not just happiness but of heartbreak and therefore be stronger because of it. I want her to know the power of prayer and the greatness of the God that created her. I want her to find a friend that is as amazing as her godmother and my best friend. I want her to find a man that loves her as much as her father loves me. I want her to be proud of the decisions she makes and not be afraid to take steps on her own. And perhaps selfishly, I want her to know that no matter what she will always be my little girl and I will be there forever to catch her if she ever falls.

Lexi Marie. I find myself falling into a pile of tears every time I think about you and the journey we will continue to travel. I eagerly anticipate the day you are lying in my arms and I hear you cry for the first time. My entire life I have striven to be perfect. I have failed every time. Yet even through my ugliness and sin I have managed one perfect thing, and that darling is you.

The words I love you will never be enough.

Announcement (finally)

It is my opinion that our biggest mistakes are what shapes our lives, not our biggest success. I believe that if we are intelligent enough to learn from our mistakes and face the consequences head on we become better people. It is in our error that we are humbled and brought face to face with the reality of our humanness. We are sinners and a fallen people.
Yet just as Christ came and died so we may be forgiven, so does His endless mercy flood us in our mistakes. In our brokenness Christ holds us and loves us despite every flaw we have, and gives way to make every mistake turn into a blessing. Sometimes we just have to look really hard to see it, and sometimes it's as plain as the nose on our face. Most importantly however, we need to allow Him into our lives in order to see the beauty in which He reveals.

I have made many mistakes in my life. Probably more than most. I struggle tremendously with various things yet my experiences have shaped me into someone who does not lack the understanding of suffering and struggle and I am able to relate to so many through my compassion. There have been many times where I have gotten lost, but even if I'm hanging by a thread, I have clung to my faith and that has been the pillar of my survival.

I cannot say what anyone's opinion of me is, nor can I fairly judge if that opinion will change drastically in what I am about to reveal. I do know however that God has granted me the greatest blessing in perhaps my silliest mistake. So if I am a disappointment, I am beyond sorry. But my apology only goes toward the negative emotion you feel, not the results of my actions.

I am 17 weeks pregnant and I love my baby more than anything in the world.

To those who have known for months and have supported me, thank you. To those who receive this news and are joyful, thank you. And to those who are disappointed in me, thank you too. I am not unaware of where your feelings come from. However, I wish not to condemn myself, but to celebrate the life that is flourishing so beautifully inside of me. If you cannot join me in my celebration I understand, but really, it more your loss than mine.

September

On September 7th, 2011 I fell in love with you. That morning you surprised me and came and made breakfast for me. We sat outside on my patio and enjoyed each other's company. To me, everything felt so weird. Sitting outside, eating with someone who just a month ago I never wanted to talk to again. Yet everything seemed so natural. The way you smiled at me, and looked directly into my eyes. That odd sensation in my chest that made me feel like I was about to be sick yet was strangely warm and comforting. I couldn't contain my smile. No one had made me feel so special. So...loved.

After breakfast we went into my room and just laid in my bed. You held me and sang to me. No music playing, no lyrics in your hands-just you. Your voice filled my ears and pierced my heart. It was at that moment that I knew where I stood. I had taken a plunge and it was impossible to go back. You swept me away.

A few days later I went to Utah. I was wildly confused about so much. And completely terrified. I didn't know which direction to go, or what choice to make. There was so much more than just you that I needed to figure out. I was wandering and without a home. I never wanted to leave the safety of Jamie's spare bedroom. I didn't know how to start moving forward.

Jamie and Shehan brought me back home. I was more confused than when I had left and I knew so little. But I knew enough, and that's that I needed you.

On the 29th of September you took me to go buy a cowboy hat. You got lost at first and although I laughed at you, I simply thought you were adorable. Although I resisted initially, I allowed you to buy me the hat and then we were off to dinner. I had never been to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but spaghetti is my favorite and it was sweet of you to take me there. Dinner was good, but the company was even better. I couldn't help but keep thinking how cute you looked in your plaid shirt and how much I just wanted to be in your arms.

When we got back to my place we searched for a movie to watch on Netflix. How we got from the movie selection to you asking the question I can't honestly remember. Everything seemed like a blur. The question was simple enough, but I knew how much weighed on this moment. Will I be your girlfriend? Well, how could I not be?


A lot has changed since then and if you were to tell me that we would be where we are almost a year from now I would have thought you were crazy. Maybe have even been offended. That however my dear, is how life works. Completely unpredictable and not at all stable. Sometimes I marvel at the way humanity adapts.

I always wanted a fairy tale type of love. I couldn't help it. The romance in my soul always ached to get out and be paired with someone who shared my emotion. Our love though is not story book material though. It isn't pretty at all. In fact at times it's just downright ugly. But it's real. It's always been real.

Regardless of everything, I have never loved you less. Only more. Maybe that's a flaw in me. Or maybe it's my greatest attribute.

In a couple weeks we won't be celebrating a year anniversary. And that's okay. I think there is more to celebrate than a single memory of a day.

I love you.