Decision.

I feel slightly light headed. Time today has just passed me by. Is it really almost 5? I'm so filled with energy yet I can't do a single thing. I want to rant. Possibilities. Oh possibilities.

It would only be six weeks. Ha. I could see myself loving every moment. Completely drenched in Catholicism. Oh boy. This is ridiculous.

Do I dare?

Next Page.

Depressed is unfitting. Lost is undescriptive. My state of being simply wasn't being. For the past few months I ceased to be the person that I am. I had flickers of her. In quiet conversations with friends when they needed me to be strong and say the right thing I felt myself flow with the words that would bring them to tears and give them the strength to carry on but it never reached my heart. On August 8th I was pronounced dead but months before that I had already begun to die.

Monday afternoon I sat in the waiting room of my doctor's office too scared to take in an actual breath. I kicked myself for being there alone. Screaming silently trying to understand that after everything why I still was doing everything alone. I wanted Erin there more than anyone else. Even knowing that she couldn't be there and maybe even shouldn't be, I wanted to rely on the strength she gives me. I had the desire to call Jamie and hear her voice. I wanted to be in his arms. I felt sick. Tears wanted to stream down my face and I did everything I could to fight them off. Doubts plagued my mind. Everything that could go wrong danced in front of me. I closed my eyes and began to sing to myself. My heart beat slowed. My breathing steadied. Someone called my name.

As I stood in the parking lot waiting for my mom to pick me up I stood motionless. I was fighting a mixture of emotions. I reached for my phone and pushed the number 2 but then for some reason decided against it. I began getting antsy and was pacing back and forth. I saw my mom's car and I couldn't contain it anymore, a smile spread across my face. My sister opened the door and I got in and I grinned and I asked if I could drive.

It's like a veil has been lifted. A veil that sadly I didn't even realize was there. My doctor simply told me that my health is all things considering, well, and I can go back to work, drive and begin working out and all of a sudden I'm this different person. My circumstances are really all the same. I have no job to go back to. I have no car to drive. Yet I'm filled with this overwhelming sense of motivation. I'm me again. The me that honestly, I love. The one that goes on overdrive. I came home on Monday and I went straight to my computer and pulled up a grad school application and began filling it out. I'm not sure if I'll be in school in January. It depends on a few factors. But the point is nothing is going to limit me. I'm done with it all. I'm so done. Because you know what? My name is Stephanie Marie Gonzalez and I kicked three brain tumors butts and I'm determined to become the best version of myself no matter the cost.

Thank you to those who love me, even when I'm not at my best.

Impatience.

I have this surging energy inside of me. I want to describe to my tiny minion of readers the contents on my inner most wants, my deepest fears, my constant failures, my fleeting past, my dawning future but alas I cannot. I keep myself at bay, curled together in a ball, thoughts pacing back and forth in the crevices of my mind. I'm afraid to even smile. Guarded. Oh but the things I want to say.

Shell Shock

I had two moments today where the wind was knocked out of me. Where I couldn't manage to breathe a single breath. I felt my insides shake and my body tremble. I held myself, scared that if I let go of my sides I would surely fall to pieces. My heart beat quickened. I could feel a rush of anxiety flood me and I wanted to run. Tears burned into my eyes and I heard myself speak but I didn't recognize my own voice. Two different conversations. Two different situations. One single question lingering in the very back of my mind. Who the fuck do you want me to be?

Things are good. Things are bad. I'm running. I'm battling. I'm winning. I'm losing. I do everything right. I do everything wrong. I'm wise. I'm naive. I'm everything and nothing all at once.

I can't do this.

Short on Air.

I can feel the ground shake from beneath me. I want to go for a walk right now. Destination unknown. I have this desire to hold you in my arms. My senses are heightened, like I can feel the calm before the storm. Though perhaps I'm just paranoid. Everything around me feels fragile.

I miss the sound of crickets in the night. I want to open windows and let fresh air in but the heat of the night won't bring the satisfaction that I'm desiring.

I want to take the plunge and never look back.

Someone pull me out of my head.

Aaaahhh.

This blog is pointless. I would just like to say that my head is killing me. Like seriously. I'm about to be sick. I'm extremely frustrated with the fact that my blog will not look the way I want it to. I mean really? Dumb picture. Ahh. I really feel sick. My head is exploding. Someone fix my blog for me. It may make my migraine go away. Okay it won't. But it will make me feel better in some other way. Hah.

I'm going to be sick and then go hide under my blanket now.

Ask. Seek. Knock.

I'm standing at the doorstep. I can feel myself leaning. It was in that moment of pure perfection when everything seemingly changed. When the tension building was more than I could take and I was tired of my holding up my walls. Like a flame set to my heart it caught fire as my every breath escaped me in the most euphoric sort of way. I felt weightless. A moment of complete surrender where nothing could touch me. A smile crept onto my face and my blazing heart beat violently in my chest. I'm not quite sure I care what anyone thinks.

I stand at the doorstep and I hesitate to look behind me. There is so much to say. So much still that is left unspoken. I feel fear fill me. The beauty of your eyes haunts me. Your words haunt me. I have this desperate need to... I don't even dare say it. I'm trying to decipher everything.

I need to know who I am. Just who I am.