Alexis Marie Gray

I had never known more love than in the moment I saw her. Ever since I knew I was pregnant my heart has swelled with complete love and devotion for the tiny baby forming within my womb. However seeing her for the first time last Tuesday took my breath away. It was the hardest thing to keep from getting completely hysterical as they showed me every tiny part of my daughter's body. Tears kept escaping my eyes and I felt myself shaking. Nothing could ever be possibly more perfect than my little girl.

I'm not going to lie though. I am beyond terrified of having a little girl. The world of dresses, make-up and hair is a foreign one to me. The color pink makes me slightly uncomfortable and raising a little girl to be a woman seems almost like an impossible challenge in a world of Cosmopolitan magazines, airbrushed models, and shorts that are just way too short. The insecurity that haunts my own life is something that I would never want to pass on. I want her to embrace the body she's in, no matter what, and to always know and feel beautiful. I want her to live fearlessly and love without restraint. I want her to not be afraid of making mistakes and realize that perfection is a state of mind and not an actual thing. I want her to laugh freely and dream without limitations.I want her to succeed as well as fail so that she may grow and know the beauty of not just happiness but of heartbreak and therefore be stronger because of it. I want her to know the power of prayer and the greatness of the God that created her. I want her to find a friend that is as amazing as her godmother and my best friend. I want her to find a man that loves her as much as her father loves me. I want her to be proud of the decisions she makes and not be afraid to take steps on her own. And perhaps selfishly, I want her to know that no matter what she will always be my little girl and I will be there forever to catch her if she ever falls.

Lexi Marie. I find myself falling into a pile of tears every time I think about you and the journey we will continue to travel. I eagerly anticipate the day you are lying in my arms and I hear you cry for the first time. My entire life I have striven to be perfect. I have failed every time. Yet even through my ugliness and sin I have managed one perfect thing, and that darling is you.

The words I love you will never be enough.

Announcement (finally)

It is my opinion that our biggest mistakes are what shapes our lives, not our biggest success. I believe that if we are intelligent enough to learn from our mistakes and face the consequences head on we become better people. It is in our error that we are humbled and brought face to face with the reality of our humanness. We are sinners and a fallen people.
Yet just as Christ came and died so we may be forgiven, so does His endless mercy flood us in our mistakes. In our brokenness Christ holds us and loves us despite every flaw we have, and gives way to make every mistake turn into a blessing. Sometimes we just have to look really hard to see it, and sometimes it's as plain as the nose on our face. Most importantly however, we need to allow Him into our lives in order to see the beauty in which He reveals.

I have made many mistakes in my life. Probably more than most. I struggle tremendously with various things yet my experiences have shaped me into someone who does not lack the understanding of suffering and struggle and I am able to relate to so many through my compassion. There have been many times where I have gotten lost, but even if I'm hanging by a thread, I have clung to my faith and that has been the pillar of my survival.

I cannot say what anyone's opinion of me is, nor can I fairly judge if that opinion will change drastically in what I am about to reveal. I do know however that God has granted me the greatest blessing in perhaps my silliest mistake. So if I am a disappointment, I am beyond sorry. But my apology only goes toward the negative emotion you feel, not the results of my actions.

I am 17 weeks pregnant and I love my baby more than anything in the world.

To those who have known for months and have supported me, thank you. To those who receive this news and are joyful, thank you. And to those who are disappointed in me, thank you too. I am not unaware of where your feelings come from. However, I wish not to condemn myself, but to celebrate the life that is flourishing so beautifully inside of me. If you cannot join me in my celebration I understand, but really, it more your loss than mine.

September

On September 7th, 2011 I fell in love with you. That morning you surprised me and came and made breakfast for me. We sat outside on my patio and enjoyed each other's company. To me, everything felt so weird. Sitting outside, eating with someone who just a month ago I never wanted to talk to again. Yet everything seemed so natural. The way you smiled at me, and looked directly into my eyes. That odd sensation in my chest that made me feel like I was about to be sick yet was strangely warm and comforting. I couldn't contain my smile. No one had made me feel so special. So...loved.

After breakfast we went into my room and just laid in my bed. You held me and sang to me. No music playing, no lyrics in your hands-just you. Your voice filled my ears and pierced my heart. It was at that moment that I knew where I stood. I had taken a plunge and it was impossible to go back. You swept me away.

A few days later I went to Utah. I was wildly confused about so much. And completely terrified. I didn't know which direction to go, or what choice to make. There was so much more than just you that I needed to figure out. I was wandering and without a home. I never wanted to leave the safety of Jamie's spare bedroom. I didn't know how to start moving forward.

Jamie and Shehan brought me back home. I was more confused than when I had left and I knew so little. But I knew enough, and that's that I needed you.

On the 29th of September you took me to go buy a cowboy hat. You got lost at first and although I laughed at you, I simply thought you were adorable. Although I resisted initially, I allowed you to buy me the hat and then we were off to dinner. I had never been to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but spaghetti is my favorite and it was sweet of you to take me there. Dinner was good, but the company was even better. I couldn't help but keep thinking how cute you looked in your plaid shirt and how much I just wanted to be in your arms.

When we got back to my place we searched for a movie to watch on Netflix. How we got from the movie selection to you asking the question I can't honestly remember. Everything seemed like a blur. The question was simple enough, but I knew how much weighed on this moment. Will I be your girlfriend? Well, how could I not be?


A lot has changed since then and if you were to tell me that we would be where we are almost a year from now I would have thought you were crazy. Maybe have even been offended. That however my dear, is how life works. Completely unpredictable and not at all stable. Sometimes I marvel at the way humanity adapts.

I always wanted a fairy tale type of love. I couldn't help it. The romance in my soul always ached to get out and be paired with someone who shared my emotion. Our love though is not story book material though. It isn't pretty at all. In fact at times it's just downright ugly. But it's real. It's always been real.

Regardless of everything, I have never loved you less. Only more. Maybe that's a flaw in me. Or maybe it's my greatest attribute.

In a couple weeks we won't be celebrating a year anniversary. And that's okay. I think there is more to celebrate than a single memory of a day.

I love you.

School, Life and all that Jazz.

I started school. Graduate school. Catholic graduate school. The fact that I'm a student at Franciscan is still a little overwhelming. I've wanted this for so many more years than I have let on. Sure, I'm still stuck in AZ and my classroom is wherever my laptop takes me but I suppose that's not the point. My lectures, assignments and exams are all from FUS professors. Perhaps during the lectures if I try really hard I can imagine myself in a classroom in Steubenville, Ohio.

I'm excited about my classes. Excited that both my Catechism and Bible will get some much needed work. Excited to dive deeper into my faith and fall more passionately in love. I'm excited to know that although up to this point my life has taken too many unwanted turns and I'm not where I want to be, in this I have a plan. My dreams are still very much in reach. Sinner though I am, I'm still answering yes to His call.

And nearly equally important, I do this for you.

Julia Nunez. RIP.

This past weekend I traveled back home to El Paso with my best friend. Her brother is stationed at Ft. Bliss and she was kind enough to let me tag along so I could see my family. Although I had planned the trip prior, this past weekend it seemed like I was in town for only one reason. In the very early hours of Sunday, the 19th, my Tia Julie took her last breath. Her funeral was scheduled for last weekend. As soon as I reached El Paso, my cousin Frank picked me up and drove me to the funeral home to view my Tia. I arrived a little before eight, and the rest of my family had been there since three. Seeing my aunt, and listening to my family say things about the person that she was hit me extremely hard. Up until then I had held myself together fairly well, but in the presence of my family I broke down. Frank held me while we both cried together and mourned the loss of our great aunt.

The next morning was her funeral and I was told to ride the limo with my aunts and grandma. As I sat in the limo with them I couldn't help but feel out of place. Riding to the funeral home, then the church and the cemetery I was just racked with guilt and sorrow. For years now my Tia Julie had lived in a nursing home and not once had I visited her. True, I live in a different state but the few times over the years that I have gone to El Paso I should have taken the time to see her. She suffered from Alzheimer disease and hasn't known me since I was a child but that should not have stopped me. My previous "out of sight, out of mind" mentality crippled me with even more grief and I had a difficult time composing myself throughout the entire day. To make matters worse, my thoughts kept consuming me with countless other things and severely spiraled me into a depression. Still, now back at home, I'm haunted by many things.

My Tia Julie was a wonderful woman. She took care of everyone. Her heart was enormous and although you never wanted to be on her bad side, she was someone you knew cared deeply about your well-being. She was stricken for so many years by a terrible disease. My only comfort now is that she is in a better place and no longer handicapped by the deterioration of her mind.

I hope she can see me now and know I loved her.

Party of One

I've always kept to myself. I'm not a party person, or a social butterfly. In fact of all things, I'm a wallflower. I sit back and observe while the world does its merry little spin. That isn't to say I don't associate with anyone, but for the most part it's just me.

Just me. That hasn't hit home so much like it did today.

It's such a huge deal if I open up to you. If I go more into my usual "I'm okay" and tell you how I feel. I don't just go spilling my guts to anyone. And even when I do confide, I'm so guarded. So careful about everything I say. My emotions are raw and my thoughts complex. I'll be too vulnerable to just let go.

Today I learned a few things. Number one, my friends are less than imagined. People who I thought I could have a moment with simply took one incidence and spun everything I said. It was useless to speak and I should have known. Number two, there are those who keep a tally of my mistakes and like to exploit them at every given opportunity. Number three, in the end it really is just me.

Perhaps this is not the best format for certain things but the pain is mounting. At times I can't breathe with the enormity of it. The fact that I disappointed you was hard enough. Yet to know you won't be there for that day in my distant (or not so) future. The fact that I went to you in confidence and there was no support or even close to it there. The fact that all promises were seemingly ignored, words forgotten. To know that you were just like everyone else.

In the heat of the night much more was stolen than what was intended. The strain it has caused is just another thing I lose sleep over. I feel like the world in which I live in just became even more dull.

I will start the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013 alone.

It wasn't enough time and it didn't turn out how it should have. Thus is life.

The hum of the fan and the typing of my keys are my only companions tonight. Not even my darling puppy is here to offer the comfort I desperately need.

Sometimes, I just want to disappear. Tell me when someone notices.

"Cause these things will change..."

"...can you feel it now?"

I believe that there are some people in this world who are literally thrown into it. There is no preparation, no warning. Suddenly you have to leave all childish things and be someone years were supposed to shape but life simply couldn't wait for. It's now or never with never not even being an option. It's simply now.

I missed out on a lot of things as a child and a teenager. I never fully fit in, even in the days at Edgemere when everyone knew my name. I will never say I was smarter than my peers but I was different from them. I was more experienced. Life had taken it's grip on me faster. I didn't have that carefree innocence a child should have. Instead I spent the majority of the days sitting in a tree or riding my bike around town mulling over this or that. I had taken upon responsibility that shouldn't have ever been mine, yet even so was handed to me freely. I never complained because I simply knew nothing else. As the years progressed however my distance from my peers grew and grew. In junior high and high school I never understood the activities that everyone deemed so fun. I didn't understand their dialogue or their way of disrespecting virtually everyone. Therefore I spent my time alone, watching and analyzing them trying to figure out their immaturity and always wondering why I was so different.

As it would be, I am socially awkward as a 22 year old adult. I've always been socially awkward. Between simply my quiet and shy personality to not having any common ground other than age to my classmates I didn't get much in the way of social skills. Sure, I can carry a conversation and I'm friendly when spoken to and I can get along with anyone but there has always been this wall right in front of me. I've often wondered who put it there. Was it me, was it them or did life simply throw it there.

I think I had a tendency to rush through life for one particular reason. Simply, I wanted my age and social status to catch up with my heart and soul. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, they both age and there is always that distance. But then there came a point in my life where I broke down. When the resilience of my soul failed and I needed some major time to repair. Funny thing is, life waits for no one. So in about two years I went from having everything and being on the top of my game to knowing nothing and feeling like I'm wandering aimlessly praying I find the path that so much dust covered in that violent storm.

Life is asking me to stop being idle. Stop being crippled by the past, by my former illness, by my heartache. It's screaming at me to be...well me. But that scares me because I'm afraid of leaving everyone behind in the process. It's my change, not theirs. I have to adapt and live accordingly and well, they just live.

And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you

Somebody else gets what you wanted again

You know it's all the same, another time and place

Repeating history and you're getting sick of it