I started school. Graduate school. Catholic graduate school. The fact that I'm a student at Franciscan is still a little overwhelming. I've wanted this for so many more years than I have let on. Sure, I'm still stuck in AZ and my classroom is wherever my laptop takes me but I suppose that's not the point. My lectures, assignments and exams are all from FUS professors. Perhaps during the lectures if I try really hard I can imagine myself in a classroom in Steubenville, Ohio.
I'm excited about my classes. Excited that both my Catechism and Bible will get some much needed work. Excited to dive deeper into my faith and fall more passionately in love. I'm excited to know that although up to this point my life has taken too many unwanted turns and I'm not where I want to be, in this I have a plan. My dreams are still very much in reach. Sinner though I am, I'm still answering yes to His call.
And nearly equally important, I do this for you.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Julia Nunez. RIP.
This past weekend I traveled back home to El Paso with my best friend. Her brother is stationed at Ft. Bliss and she was kind enough to let me tag along so I could see my family. Although I had planned the trip prior, this past weekend it seemed like I was in town for only one reason. In the very early hours of Sunday, the 19th, my Tia Julie took her last breath. Her funeral was scheduled for last weekend. As soon as I reached El Paso, my cousin Frank picked me up and drove me to the funeral home to view my Tia. I arrived a little before eight, and the rest of my family had been there since three. Seeing my aunt, and listening to my family say things about the person that she was hit me extremely hard. Up until then I had held myself together fairly well, but in the presence of my family I broke down. Frank held me while we both cried together and mourned the loss of our great aunt.
The next morning was her funeral and I was told to ride the limo with my aunts and grandma. As I sat in the limo with them I couldn't help but feel out of place. Riding to the funeral home, then the church and the cemetery I was just racked with guilt and sorrow. For years now my Tia Julie had lived in a nursing home and not once had I visited her. True, I live in a different state but the few times over the years that I have gone to El Paso I should have taken the time to see her. She suffered from Alzheimer disease and hasn't known me since I was a child but that should not have stopped me. My previous "out of sight, out of mind" mentality crippled me with even more grief and I had a difficult time composing myself throughout the entire day. To make matters worse, my thoughts kept consuming me with countless other things and severely spiraled me into a depression. Still, now back at home, I'm haunted by many things.
My Tia Julie was a wonderful woman. She took care of everyone. Her heart was enormous and although you never wanted to be on her bad side, she was someone you knew cared deeply about your well-being. She was stricken for so many years by a terrible disease. My only comfort now is that she is in a better place and no longer handicapped by the deterioration of her mind.
I hope she can see me now and know I loved her.
The next morning was her funeral and I was told to ride the limo with my aunts and grandma. As I sat in the limo with them I couldn't help but feel out of place. Riding to the funeral home, then the church and the cemetery I was just racked with guilt and sorrow. For years now my Tia Julie had lived in a nursing home and not once had I visited her. True, I live in a different state but the few times over the years that I have gone to El Paso I should have taken the time to see her. She suffered from Alzheimer disease and hasn't known me since I was a child but that should not have stopped me. My previous "out of sight, out of mind" mentality crippled me with even more grief and I had a difficult time composing myself throughout the entire day. To make matters worse, my thoughts kept consuming me with countless other things and severely spiraled me into a depression. Still, now back at home, I'm haunted by many things.
My Tia Julie was a wonderful woman. She took care of everyone. Her heart was enormous and although you never wanted to be on her bad side, she was someone you knew cared deeply about your well-being. She was stricken for so many years by a terrible disease. My only comfort now is that she is in a better place and no longer handicapped by the deterioration of her mind.
I hope she can see me now and know I loved her.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Party of One
I've always kept to myself. I'm not a party person, or a social butterfly. In fact of all things, I'm a wallflower. I sit back and observe while the world does its merry little spin. That isn't to say I don't associate with anyone, but for the most part it's just me.
Just me. That hasn't hit home so much like it did today.
It's such a huge deal if I open up to you. If I go more into my usual "I'm okay" and tell you how I feel. I don't just go spilling my guts to anyone. And even when I do confide, I'm so guarded. So careful about everything I say. My emotions are raw and my thoughts complex. I'll be too vulnerable to just let go.
Today I learned a few things. Number one, my friends are less than imagined. People who I thought I could have a moment with simply took one incidence and spun everything I said. It was useless to speak and I should have known. Number two, there are those who keep a tally of my mistakes and like to exploit them at every given opportunity. Number three, in the end it really is just me.
Perhaps this is not the best format for certain things but the pain is mounting. At times I can't breathe with the enormity of it. The fact that I disappointed you was hard enough. Yet to know you won't be there for that day in my distant (or not so) future. The fact that I went to you in confidence and there was no support or even close to it there. The fact that all promises were seemingly ignored, words forgotten. To know that you were just like everyone else.
In the heat of the night much more was stolen than what was intended. The strain it has caused is just another thing I lose sleep over. I feel like the world in which I live in just became even more dull.
I will start the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013 alone.
It wasn't enough time and it didn't turn out how it should have. Thus is life.
The hum of the fan and the typing of my keys are my only companions tonight. Not even my darling puppy is here to offer the comfort I desperately need.
Sometimes, I just want to disappear. Tell me when someone notices.
Just me. That hasn't hit home so much like it did today.
It's such a huge deal if I open up to you. If I go more into my usual "I'm okay" and tell you how I feel. I don't just go spilling my guts to anyone. And even when I do confide, I'm so guarded. So careful about everything I say. My emotions are raw and my thoughts complex. I'll be too vulnerable to just let go.
Today I learned a few things. Number one, my friends are less than imagined. People who I thought I could have a moment with simply took one incidence and spun everything I said. It was useless to speak and I should have known. Number two, there are those who keep a tally of my mistakes and like to exploit them at every given opportunity. Number three, in the end it really is just me.
Perhaps this is not the best format for certain things but the pain is mounting. At times I can't breathe with the enormity of it. The fact that I disappointed you was hard enough. Yet to know you won't be there for that day in my distant (or not so) future. The fact that I went to you in confidence and there was no support or even close to it there. The fact that all promises were seemingly ignored, words forgotten. To know that you were just like everyone else.
In the heat of the night much more was stolen than what was intended. The strain it has caused is just another thing I lose sleep over. I feel like the world in which I live in just became even more dull.
I will start the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013 alone.
It wasn't enough time and it didn't turn out how it should have. Thus is life.
The hum of the fan and the typing of my keys are my only companions tonight. Not even my darling puppy is here to offer the comfort I desperately need.
Sometimes, I just want to disappear. Tell me when someone notices.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
"Cause these things will change..."
"...can you feel it now?"
I believe that there are some people in this world who are literally thrown into it. There is no preparation, no warning. Suddenly you have to leave all childish things and be someone years were supposed to shape but life simply couldn't wait for. It's now or never with never not even being an option. It's simply now.
I missed out on a lot of things as a child and a teenager. I never fully fit in, even in the days at Edgemere when everyone knew my name. I will never say I was smarter than my peers but I was different from them. I was more experienced. Life had taken it's grip on me faster. I didn't have that carefree innocence a child should have. Instead I spent the majority of the days sitting in a tree or riding my bike around town mulling over this or that. I had taken upon responsibility that shouldn't have ever been mine, yet even so was handed to me freely. I never complained because I simply knew nothing else. As the years progressed however my distance from my peers grew and grew. In junior high and high school I never understood the activities that everyone deemed so fun. I didn't understand their dialogue or their way of disrespecting virtually everyone. Therefore I spent my time alone, watching and analyzing them trying to figure out their immaturity and always wondering why I was so different.
As it would be, I am socially awkward as a 22 year old adult. I've always been socially awkward. Between simply my quiet and shy personality to not having any common ground other than age to my classmates I didn't get much in the way of social skills. Sure, I can carry a conversation and I'm friendly when spoken to and I can get along with anyone but there has always been this wall right in front of me. I've often wondered who put it there. Was it me, was it them or did life simply throw it there.
I think I had a tendency to rush through life for one particular reason. Simply, I wanted my age and social status to catch up with my heart and soul. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, they both age and there is always that distance. But then there came a point in my life where I broke down. When the resilience of my soul failed and I needed some major time to repair. Funny thing is, life waits for no one. So in about two years I went from having everything and being on the top of my game to knowing nothing and feeling like I'm wandering aimlessly praying I find the path that so much dust covered in that violent storm.
Life is asking me to stop being idle. Stop being crippled by the past, by my former illness, by my heartache. It's screaming at me to be...well me. But that scares me because I'm afraid of leaving everyone behind in the process. It's my change, not theirs. I have to adapt and live accordingly and well, they just live.
I believe that there are some people in this world who are literally thrown into it. There is no preparation, no warning. Suddenly you have to leave all childish things and be someone years were supposed to shape but life simply couldn't wait for. It's now or never with never not even being an option. It's simply now.
I missed out on a lot of things as a child and a teenager. I never fully fit in, even in the days at Edgemere when everyone knew my name. I will never say I was smarter than my peers but I was different from them. I was more experienced. Life had taken it's grip on me faster. I didn't have that carefree innocence a child should have. Instead I spent the majority of the days sitting in a tree or riding my bike around town mulling over this or that. I had taken upon responsibility that shouldn't have ever been mine, yet even so was handed to me freely. I never complained because I simply knew nothing else. As the years progressed however my distance from my peers grew and grew. In junior high and high school I never understood the activities that everyone deemed so fun. I didn't understand their dialogue or their way of disrespecting virtually everyone. Therefore I spent my time alone, watching and analyzing them trying to figure out their immaturity and always wondering why I was so different.
As it would be, I am socially awkward as a 22 year old adult. I've always been socially awkward. Between simply my quiet and shy personality to not having any common ground other than age to my classmates I didn't get much in the way of social skills. Sure, I can carry a conversation and I'm friendly when spoken to and I can get along with anyone but there has always been this wall right in front of me. I've often wondered who put it there. Was it me, was it them or did life simply throw it there.
I think I had a tendency to rush through life for one particular reason. Simply, I wanted my age and social status to catch up with my heart and soul. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, they both age and there is always that distance. But then there came a point in my life where I broke down. When the resilience of my soul failed and I needed some major time to repair. Funny thing is, life waits for no one. So in about two years I went from having everything and being on the top of my game to knowing nothing and feeling like I'm wandering aimlessly praying I find the path that so much dust covered in that violent storm.
Life is asking me to stop being idle. Stop being crippled by the past, by my former illness, by my heartache. It's screaming at me to be...well me. But that scares me because I'm afraid of leaving everyone behind in the process. It's my change, not theirs. I have to adapt and live accordingly and well, they just live.
And it's a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again
You know it's all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Tick Tock
Life is so unexpected. Ha. I just realized what I just said. Oh boy.
Sleep just won't come tonight. I'm caught up in my fragile mess and all the pointless possibilities of tomorrow. I never knew it was possible to have your head above water yet still be drowning. One more tidal wave and I'll... No. That's a lie in formation. I won't ever completely break.
Everything is wrong, you know. Yet there is so much beauty in my mistake.
Is everything forgivable? Or are there certain things that you cannot just look past? To forgive as Christ does, is that truly possible for the fallen? Or is it just some impossible aspiration? Will there be a day when my heart stops bleeding?
Happiness is found in your imagined smile. In the idea of you lying safely in my arms. Of knowing I'll be your everything.
At this, failure is not a possibility.
How marvelous.
Sleep just won't come tonight. I'm caught up in my fragile mess and all the pointless possibilities of tomorrow. I never knew it was possible to have your head above water yet still be drowning. One more tidal wave and I'll... No. That's a lie in formation. I won't ever completely break.
Everything is wrong, you know. Yet there is so much beauty in my mistake.
Is everything forgivable? Or are there certain things that you cannot just look past? To forgive as Christ does, is that truly possible for the fallen? Or is it just some impossible aspiration? Will there be a day when my heart stops bleeding?
Happiness is found in your imagined smile. In the idea of you lying safely in my arms. Of knowing I'll be your everything.
At this, failure is not a possibility.
How marvelous.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
I was happy once. Probably happier than I have ever been before. I allowed myself to open my heart up. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and to trust and give everything I had. A lot of people had their opinions and I didn't listen. I made the decision for myself and went for it. Then there I was completely swept away. Details aside, I saw everything. I had everything. Was it perfect? Of course not. But nothing ever is and love is finding beauty in all those imperfections that drive you crazy and loving through them. I've always been willing to do that. Then out of nowhere my world came crashing down. As hard as I try I can't recover.
Memories. Looking through old pictures and that's all they are. It's only been a little over a month and so much in me has changed. I was burned and the fire reached my heart and engulfed it. I'm someone who can't feel what I used to.
It's just music on a CD. Great music. Beautiful music. I love it. But you aren't singing.
Memories. Looking through old pictures and that's all they are. It's only been a little over a month and so much in me has changed. I was burned and the fire reached my heart and engulfed it. I'm someone who can't feel what I used to.
It's just music on a CD. Great music. Beautiful music. I love it. But you aren't singing.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Oh life.
"Congratulations!" I read those words about five times before I continued on with the rest of the letter that I held in my hand. I had given up on ever hearing back from this school. This school that I so badly wanted to go to. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to even apply to. My fear of rejection was overwhelming. Franciscan University is not just any school. Logically with my GPA there wasn't a reason for them not to accept me. I look great on paper, and the essay I wrote I was confident in. However I was sick to my stomach sending all my papers. To me, this was it. I didn't want to use my back up plan. CDU wasn't good enough and although I could be a youth minister without a degree I know that at my age I can get further with this degree. Not to mention I want the knowledge for myself anyway. So I sent my stuff and I waited, and waited, and waited. Nothing. I even emailed them only to get a response that the director of grad students had a baby and was too busy to reply quite yet. I was frustrated and disheartened. I tried to forget about things and for the time being, move on. That letter was the last thing in the world I expected to be in my mailbox.
I've lost my motivation for nearly all things. I've sunk into a pretty bad depression. I'm not who I used to be. My desires are gone. My interests are no longer there. My personality has changed rather drastically. My heart has changed. Maybe I'm just fed up with the way people treated me. Maybe life got the best of me. Maybe I'm going through a phase. I have no idea what's going on. But I'm so alarmingly different. I'm making rash decisions. I'm being irresponsible. And I have been oh so responsible since I was five years old. I've just gone over the edge.
But then there's school. Steubenville. Dammit I love school. I'm still me when it comes to school. The old me. The me that never got sick. Never got hurt. Never was damaged. The perfect me. Maintain a 3.0 or I get kicked out. Please. I'll do so much better than maintaining a 3.0. I want to start this second.
School. Church. Teens. Keep me in my bubble.
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