Dear Family and Friends

Perhaps my skin is not as thick as I thought it was. Perhaps as my husband puts it, I do care too much about what other people think. Perhaps I do need to quiet all the voices around me and take a step back and evaluate everything through a different filter. Perhaps all of these are true. However, there is one thing that I know without a doubt and that is I will forever be my biggest critic.

About a week ago I purchased my daughter's homeschool curriculum for preschool. I pressed the register button with a wave of nausea and excitement. I was hit with emotion of the fact that my daughter is old enough to go to preschool and the fear that I am making the wrong decision.

Ever since my husband and I decided that it was in our children's best interest to homeschool I have been hounded by opinions from the outside world. They have come from family members, coworkers, friends and occasionally even strangers in the grocery store. There are two questions I dread from everyone. 1. Do you plan on having more children? 2. When will your daughter start school? Both answers usually either give me an earful or perhaps worse, not a response at all but a look that says much more than words could express. In regards to home schooling, I hear the same things echoed in everyone's voice. "Aren't I afraid my kids are going to turn out antisocial?" "Won't your children be behind academically?" "Your children will be missing out on so many important milestones that only an education outside of the home would provide." "When will you have the time?" Although mostly well intended, their concerns are exhausting to say the least. At worst, they're downright hurtful and insulting. It is almost as they think my husband and I woke up one day and said, "Hey, you know what we should do? Ruin our kids life and lock them up at home and brainwash them with only subjects we want them to learn and never let them interact with the outside world" They never saw the hours I spent researching different curriculum. They didn't hear the prayers I said asking for clarity and guidance. They didn't witness the sleepless nights questioning if I in fact was about to go and ruin my children's lives. They can't feel the fear I have that I am making the wrong decision. So instead of loving my husband and I and supporting us, I'm feeling even more weighed down by their negativity.

When I first became a mother I never pictured homeschooling my daughter. The idea of sending her to public school seemed like a guarantee and I barely thought about it. But as time passed public school became charter school, charter school became Catholic school and then Catholic school became homeschool. It was an evolved decision that did not happen over night. I also have enough humility and common sense to enter this journey on a trial basis. I have roughly a year to discern if I can do this. If it is the right fit for our family. And if it is not, then I will enroll my daughter in Catholic school for her Kindergarten year.

As a parent I have been entrusted with the souls of my children. It is a responsibility that is overwhelming and a privilege that I am honored to have. I will do everything I can to love, nourish and protect them. Everyone will always have their opinion and in the eyes of perhaps many, I am not going to be nominated for mother of the year. At the end of the day however, they are my children. I have the duty and right to raise them how my husband and I feel is best. Although I desire my family and close friend's blessings, it is unnecessary. I just hope one day they can at least offer their respect.

To my family and friends who have shown me support, thank you. You are wonderful and a fresh breath of air to this mama who oh so often struggles to breathe.

I'm not sure where to begin. How many ways can you say the same thing? How many times will I find myself in this same place? This hole simply gets deeper and darker.

I have a desire to speak. No, I have a desire to scream. To demand all that I deserve but will never get from those who only think they care. The world is filled with selfish, unreliable people. It's naive to think my own personal world would be any different.

There is no point in saying more. It falls on deaf ears and I'm tired of the cycle anyway.