All my life I fear I may have been running. Trying desperately to escape this darkness that all too often consumes me. I think back at my childhood and I can't pinpoint when it started. When my smiles stopped coming forth effortlessly and there was no longer a lightness to my heart. When did everything get so heavy and so jumbled? When did I begin fighting to just stay sane?
Perhaps my biggest issue is the state of my life. My beautiful, precious, seemingly fragile life. I have everything. I spent so many years dreaming of being here. The imperfections and quirks of being married, being a mother and fighting an ever growing financial tide are not things to complain over. Not things I feel burdened by. They're blessings and joys even in the most difficult times. Yet here I am still drowning. Still doing everything I can to get a breath of air. Why can I not escape this darkness that continously overpowers me? Like a demon that sole purpose is to take over my soul and strip me of any hope, I'm haunted. Tormented. I'm screaming and not a sound comes out. I have absolutely no control.
Yet I still get up, get dressed and go out and be productive. I still love without restraint and care without any limit. I still strive to make even the tiniest mark on the world. And I'm not sure why that is. All I do know is I'm still only half the person I could be. And I have no idea if the other half will be able to be shown the light.
Until then I'll just keep running.
