I try not to panic. I do my best to breathe and not let my thoughts consume me like they have all throughout my life. I just look at my daughter and focus. All my energy and strength needs to go to her and to my attempt to be the best mother I can to her. But my brain is weak. I feel like that's such a terrible excuse. All these things that are happening, all these feelings I'm feeling. I want to take responsibility. I want to own up to my mistakes. But how can I when I'm not even fully aware of what's going on?

I don't want to be "dealt with" or "tolerated". I want to stop being this giant burden. I don't want to chase away the one person who has never given up on me. I don't want complaints spun around and the whispers to start. I don't want to be a side show freak.

Things can't completely fall apart. It's not just my life anymore.

I'm scared.

Anniversaries

I'm not too keen on celebrating my survival. It isn't that I don't appreciate my life. I honestly do. But as a certain day passed this last week I tried not to think that they pronounced me brain dead and unrecoverable two years ago. I don't like retelling the story. Or at least the fragments I personally remember and the hospital staff testimony that had been relayed to me. I just want everything behind me. So much hurt came from my cancer. I lost too much and more than just my brain was damaged. Yes, I can count the blessings that did come forth but as usual I am just holding onto the abundance of negativity. I just want to let go.

I have so many dates in my head. I remember plenty and I like celebrating or simply reminiscing about what happened on "this day" or "that day" blah blah blah number of years ago. I'm not the one to forget something, but then again I just put too much weight into too many things. No one really cares about the things I care about. I'm simply far too sentimental.

Two years ago plenty happened. Especially in the months of August and September. That was the turning point. Moments happened that led me to this now I'm living. My world changed.

Maybe some things are worth celebrating.

Everything Changes

Life is never how you expect. It takes you by surprise constantly, and it has taken me nearly 24 years to realize that planning gets you nowhere. The best thing to do really is to simply live in the moment. Although that last statement is a work in progress, it's a truth I have stopped fighting. All we have is right now.

Change in my life is abundant. My baby girl is growing up so fast I can't stand it. The countdown on my phone gets smaller and smaller for my wedding. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I need time to just take everything in. There are so many things I want to hold onto and freeze. Like my daughter looking up at me for the first time that morning 5 and half months ago. Or how now every time she sees me a giant gummy grin spreads across her face. I want to hold onto the moments where I'm lying in Michael's arms and he kisses my forehead and gently wraps his arms around me tighter. I had a moment earlier this week that was so simple, but it made my heart ache. My best friend sat on the couch and hugged me while my daughter played on the floor. Internally, I captured that moment in my heart but I wish so badly it was tangible. I wish I didn't have to worry about never sharing in a similar experience. I took in that single moment because that's all I could do. The future brings far too much change.

I never thought she'd move out on my birthday. I didn't expect her to be out of town when my daughter was born. I didn't think she would get married before me. And I never imagined she would be moving away. My joy for her is exponential. But as January 25th gets closer, I try harder and harder to figure out how to live without her within my reach.